Heavy hands

So it came about when Moses held his hand up, that Israel prevailed, and when he let his hand down, Amalek prevailed. But Moses' hands were heavy. Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set. So Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.
Exodus 17:11‭-‬13 NASB

My hands have been heavy this week.

Sunday I hit a wall. Nothing specifically happened, but I got overhwelmed, anxious, and panicky. I spent 24 hours in the weeds. I didnt know what to do. Everytime I tried to talk to Jesus, I got distracted and couldn't stay focused to ask for the help I so desperately needed.

I would try to conquer a task and get overwhelmed and give up. And then guilt would come for not using my time to be productive.

Nothing was helpful. Nothing was fruitful. My emotions we're raging. Tears we're just under the surface every minute.

I spent half of Monday just trying to be okay on the outside.

By lunch I felt like I was drowning. And I felt God's still small voice saying "reach out. Tell your people. Be honest. Take off your brave face." And I did.

I sent out a brutally honest text to my tribe.

But let me tell you about one reason I was hesitant about calling out for help (other than my very evident pride.) A year or so ago I got hugely convicted about the way I ask for prayer. I found myself asking for people to pray for me for all manner of things. But the catch was, I was barely praying for these things myself. I was asking people to take my place, to conquer in prayer what i had barely brought to the Lord. Since then, I have been very intentional about asking for people to pray WITH me. They are not taking my place. They are standing beside me.

So earlier this week, when I was losing this battle, I felt like I couldn't ask for people to pray for me because I felt like I couldn't pray for myself.

But as soon as I sent out that SOS text, God brought a scripture to my mind. The story about the Israelites in battle: they won while Moses had his arms lifted. Moses got tired and his people came beside him, lifted his hands, and helped him win the battle.

That's what my people did for me. They stepped in and spoke for me when I had no words. They each did it in their own way: one fiercely reminded me of the truth I desperately needed to hear, another rebuked the plans of the enemy and called forth God's plan for me, another identified with me and showed me the scripture that has been helping her, one offered to take me to lunch, and others just made me laugh.

And I began to see the battle turn. Things began to shift. My tribe lifted words to the throne when I couldn't find mine. It brought drastic change to my heart and spirit.

Things aren't fixed and the battle is still raging, but my people are holding my arms up to make sure I make it out of this fight.

God is working on my pride. He is teaching me to be open and honest to my people about what I need and how I'm struggling. I cannot do this alone and my people are here for me.

I'm such a mess and God's grace is better to me than I ever deserved.

This is such an exciting time in my life, but my emotions are all over the place.  My feelings change from moment to moment. But I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life. They make me better.